it’s bliss

breaking a habit, a routine, or doing something new in general, really uplifts and gives me a whole new energy. even if it isn’t a VERY new thing, as in, first time ever in my life event, or even if it isn’t very out-of-this-world or one-in-a-million, as long as it is different from what i normally do, it just pushes my normally-low level of energy up a notch.

like, whenever i ride a jeep. and a tricycle. or commute all alone.

or when there are school presentations that require you stand up in front of class.

when eating in a new restaurant.

when going out with my family/friends on nights when i usually don’t.

or when i discover a new cool song to listen to, or even better, a new artist whose whole album i can learn to love.

whenever i remember this–that the simplest, smallest shifts in routine can cause great shifts in my forsaken mood–i just wanna knock myself in the head for ever feeling down. but at the same time, i’m thankful that i can still tell the difference and that i even have the energy to write this entry and put the lesson on record.

usual setting. i’m picked up from the mrt. my mom drives. and along quezon avenue, as the light turns green in crossing the intersection of agham (quezon circle-bound), a young man on a bike and his sidecar crosses our path going towards the OPPOSITE direction of the traffic.

who won’t be bummed?  cars are raring to go; he has no lights, no reflectors; and he has the guts to "welcome" all vehicles with wide open arms.

my mom exasperates, "hayyyy!!!…sana pwedeng sagasaan na lang sila at walang mangsisisi sa’yo…eh di okay na sana…"

no wonder i have the same intentions

i’m almost there, but not quite. i have an idea of what the next steps are, but only an idea. everything is half-baked–if not even less–at this point.

even the negative feelings seem un-whole, like, if positive/negative feelings were put in a pie, there would be 3 out of 8 slices that were positive.

what am i saying here. i THINK i know what i want to do; i THINK i’m willing to stick it out.

i also THINK i’m now able to (better) discern what i should be emotionally involved with; what things/which people i need not exert extra effort understanding.

at the same time, i THINK i know what I should be more involved with.

my priorities are shifting. my view of people and the world are evolving. i’m willing to place stronger efforts on things i was hesitant to in the past.

damn. only after nine months. patience really is a virtue.

and because of this progression (?), i actually feel older. but in a good way, of course.

*********************

on the lighter side of life:

with blown-up shots of his face meeting me every morning along edsa, i couldn’t help but think that manny villar has a long-lost brother by the name of buzz lightyear.

i haven’t felt good about myself lately. i fulfill my responsibilities at work but the fact that i dislike work being the only thing occupying my time makes me feel–overall–just, well, bad. makes me feel inefficient. makes me feel unproductive. especially coming from college when i felt like i can do 10 things at the same time. me, the master of multi-tasking. an expert despite of sleep deprivation. lord of time management.

wahahahaha. it has come to this. kailangan ko ng purihin ang sarili ko. can you read P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C?

but anyway. just wanted to share this song that’s been playing in my music player and in my head for the past few days. happy, happy song. lifts my mood. makes me smile.

"WONDER"
Natalie Merchant

Doctors have come
from distant cities
just to see me
stand over my bed
disbelieving what they’re seeing

they say I must be one of the wonders
of god’s own creation
and as far as they see they can offer
no explanation

newspapers ask
intimate questions
want confessions
they reach into my head
to steal the glory
of my story

they say I must be one of the wonders
of god’s own creation
and as far as they see they can offer
no explanation

I believe
fate smiled and destiny
laughed as she came to my cradle
"know this child will be able"
laughed as my body she lifted
"know this child will be gifted
with love, with patience
and with faith
she’ll make her way"

people see me
I’m a challenge
to your balance
I’m over your heads
how I confound you
and astound you
to know I must be one of the wonders
of god’s own creation
and as far as you see you can offer me
no explanation

I believe
fate smiled and destiny
laughed as she came to my cradle
"know this child will be able"
laughed as she came to my mother
"know this child will not suffer"
laughed as my body she lifted
"know this child will be gifted
with love, with patience
and with faith
she’ll make her way"

i am not used to being sick. the worst sickness i’ve ever had in my life is a fever, and the rate i’ve had it is probably once every two years. But since I don’t rely on my memory, I asked Miel last year if he’s ever seen me sick with fever in the whole time we’ve known each other and his answer was no. So that’s my hardest evidence–I’ve never caught a fever in the past five years.

but guess what, in the 8 months i’ve been employed, i got the fever twice! what can u say about that?? naiinis at nade-depress ako at wala akong ibang madamay kundi ang opisina namin. syempre, it’s the office plus the fact that i’m seated smack dab in the coldest spot in the office when i’m the most anti-cold person in the world! call it sweeping generalization but i therefore concur, as miel puts it, "aircon is hazardous to your health"!

being sickly bothers me so much that i’ve gotten emotional. Ii’m so helpless and inactive and i can’t work out. i begin feeling sorry for myself and i cry at the lamest things. nung isang araw may nadaanan lang ako habang naglalakad sa ayala tapos napaluha ako. tapos ngayon lang, iyak ako sa ‘microserfs’. ano ba???

AYOKO NG MAY SAKIT.

i’m so bothered by his driving. [understatement of the month!] recklessly fast on the highways, dangerously close to vehicles on the right (while really far away from other cars on the left side!). and the swerving and careless lane-shifting. yikesssss! tonight, i really had to shriek three times to make him at least nudge the steering wheel into the opposite direction, saving the car from more scrapes and scratches.

backseat driver i am? possibly. but the fact that he never once reacted negatively when i "backseat" drove now makes me think that my shrieking is called for and justified.

***
newsflash(es): i’m watching a wolfgang and razorback concert at music museum this friday. then the pyro olympics on saturday. (while we’re at it, might as well catch a movie at mall of asia since we’ll have to hang out that place before/after the show!) i want to visit that MV Doulos but don’t know if i’ll have the time. also want to go to the beach…SOON. i’m just disgustingly pale in the face. planning to volunteer for a rock ed community project on jan.26–para naman may sefless item sa activity list ko. besides, haven’t been to naga before…(nyar! may ulterior motive pa rin pala!) had tickets reserved for liveaids on feb 4.

2007, here i come.

anyone care to join me in any of those???

I wish i always wrote this way. Shorter entries. My sister has always noted how long my sentences and paragraphs are, since she does web design and one basic principle of web writing is to keep sentences short. And since then, I’ve observed that on the web, most paragraphs constitute a maximum of three sentences. Well, at least in well-written, user-friendly websites.

In addition, thanks to the Douglas Coupland book lent by Tin (hullo there!), I’m getting into the habit of scribbling down random thoughts, and not just my general, over-all sentiments in life. It’s cool. And I like it. I like the change. It’s like I’m seeing more details in myself, instead of nobela-like lengths of self-analysis whose conclusions, in fact, may not be all that accurate anyway.

That and, of course, because shorter thoughts are easier to read/consume. Usability rules.

And salute to Mr. Coupland!

i’ve been banging my head for business ideas. career alternatives. life-shaking moves. a way out of today’s work.

the funny thing is, it’s not out of dissatisfaction with my current job. i have no complaints. i am not depressed. there is no haunting, frustrating, consuming  sentiment towards what i do today.

it’s just that i feel there should be something more. that i should strive for something more, for something i am more passionate about, and not just settle for what is here because it’s already "okay". "okay" just seems, well, not so okay.

the weirder thing? i am amused about how much i am thinking about it, and though i am banging my head at every opportunity i have, my head still hasn’t bruised.

i don’t think i’ve ever come up with a set of "new year’s resolution" cos it’s so hard to think of things that i want to change in my life. but it’s never too late to start, right?

so here goes. in no particular order:

1. read more books and make less excuses why i don’t read

2. do more workouts that will make my stomach smaller (it’s the part of my body that expands the fastest–next to my face, that is, but i can’t do much about THAT)

3. exert more effort in "chasing" my dreams. but since my dreams aren’t really defined…i guess i ought to take steps towards realizing what they are

4. be less self-centered

5.

hmm. i seem to be stuck with 4.

i must really be a sucker for stability.

i hate swervers.

they break my momentum, they ruin the free-flowing feeling while i’m cruising, they blast the happy and relaxed song playing in my head into a black hole of grouchiness and emotional peril. they’re a hazard to all other drivers, and even to themselves, too. most irritating of all, they think that waving their hand out of the window makes it all aye-okay, like, "hey, i’m giving you a signal that i’m about to swerve, padaanin mo na ako ‘no!!" na parang ikaw pa ang mailalagay sa mali dahil hindi ka nag-slow down at nagpa-singit.

gago ba kayo. kahit na anong pagsesenyas-senyas mo ng kamay diyan eh mali pa rin ang ginagawa mo. panira ka pa rin sa daan. (alam mo ba ang concept of "right of way"?) kung tumutubo lang ulit ang limbs ng tao (kagaya ng buntot ng butiki), matagal na akong dumire-direcho at sumagasa sa wumawagyway mong braso.