it’s bliss

I just love being able to release my emotions. It’s like by writing everything down for all the world to see, all the negative vibes that I feel are released with it, (but hopefully not transferred to my readers by being pulverized into tiny pieces of negative energy transported via the Internet or airwaves or whatever…shucks, sana naman naza-zap into obilivion lang sila pag natanggal sila sa mula sa katawan ko!) And even prior to writing that last entry of mine, I already made a personal note to try and minimize blog posts of the same theme, for I feel that continuing it will begin to do me more harm than good. That if I continue, I would begin to go over the "healthy" dose of complaining and whining. That I should only wallow in self-pity for so much.

So in my (thankfully, quite effortless) effort to focus on the happy things in life, I posted the pics of my most recent travels in Picasa’s beta web album. If anyone’s interested, in it, you can find pics of my trips to:
- Boracay (January)
- Malaysia for X Games Asia (May)
- Mt. Pinatubo (June)
- Lake Caliraya (June)

I’ve also recently managed to follow some Tennis events, specifically the Roland Garros and Wimbledom. Last night, I bore witness (via live and spontaneous satellite TV feed, hehe) as Amelie Mauresmo of France beat Justine Henin-Hardenne of Belgium. Though I am not an avid fan of Justine, it was still a sad sight to see the athlete I was rooting for lose, especially since this is her second opportunity to win the trophy.

Justine won the first set with sheer great performance and confidence. But Mauresmo, in fairness, fought back doubly hard, proving to the world that she can indeed keep her nerves and play superb tennis, practically running over Justine with her power-serves (and daming ace!) and serve-and-volley plays that kept going in during the 2nd and 3rd sets. I was also amazed at how she managed to stay in the game by running after Justine’s less-powerful but technical and angled shots. It was still a great match.

And to add to the beauty of the women’s match, both players displayed graciousness in their interviews. Mauresmo showed herself to be humble, recognizing how Justine has been competing continuously for almost two months straight and how this might have had an effect on her performance in the Wimbledon champsionship match. Justine, on her side, admitted how tired she was, admitted how Mauresmo was "just too good" that day, but at the same time, declaring how it’s not impossible to win the French Open and Wimbledon back-to-back, and how she will come back again to win the Wimbledon.

I just admire people with so much confidence and determination.

As for the Men’s match, well, we’ll have to wait and see if Federer can turn the tables of his 1-6 head-to-head history with Nadal. Can’t wait for tonight!

I’m not gonna lie. I’m not gonna pretend. So for the energetic, high-spirited youth out there, a word of caution: don’t proceed with this entry if you don’t want to be disillusioned.

Okay, okay, I’m exaggerating with the warning. It’s not really that bad. But knowing how optimistic I can be, the past two weeks have caught me off guard. I realized, yet again, that my bag of bright outlooks is not invincible. It has weak spots. It can leak. And while it manages to heal itself given a few words of encouragement and laughters to share, it truly takes a while for the punctured area to fully recover.

So, the sad reality:

Work is TIRING.

Physically, I’ve never gone on, continiously, with so little sleep for the longest time (if not never). School comes with its periodic all-nighters, but it’s usually followed by days of hybernation and careless, worry-free, totally mindless activities to negate the intense work. But with work, you have to drag yourself off the bed every morning and endure the long, sweaty road to work, and get home just in time to get 8 hours of sleep. And that’s if you don’t do anything else like watch a little TV or read a few pages of a good book before hitting the sack.

I’ve never been away from the climbing community for this long; not in the 6 years that I’ve been with the sport. This is probably what breaks my heart the most. Last week, while sitting on my bed as I took break from cleaning my room, I saw all the pictures displayed in my room. I saw my trophies, my little keepsakes, and my collage on the wall. And I just started bawling. Everything reminded me of the life I "once had". Traveling, being with friends, without a care in the world.

And it’s more than the sport. It’s about the people in it, the people I encounter every time I visit the gym. The people who share your little musings and concerns about how to climb that route or what training program to follow. The people who give advice about anything and everything you want to ask them about. The people who share their time with you, fooling around, laughing about senseless things.

He tells me that if I miss the community so much, maybe I should devote more of my time with them, to prioritize.

To that I say, well, it’s seems easier said than done. Knowing my priorities, my need to stay on top of things at work, well, it leaves me no more time for other things. Does that make me silly, crazy–stupid, even–for feeling sad?

Aside from climbing, I miss all my friends. I miss my family. I miss so many people in my life, people who i used to so easily just commit my time to. I even miss people I haven’t met, because I’ve always seen my future as an endless roadtrip with many more places to go and so many people to meet. Nowadays, everything is on hold, and I feel like I’m missing out on everything in my life. Or maybe I should call it my former life. And when I dawned on me last week, I felt afraid, because my life today is so unfamiliar–it’s like I couldn’t recognize myself and my life anymore. And the next scary thought was–will I ever be able to live that life again?

The answer to the second question is a 99% no. Unless I live off my parents for the rest of my life, no, I don’t think life will ever be the same again. But I think I’ve been able to psyche myself for that reality.

However, I was unable to prepare myself for the proximity of this feeling. I never knew it would hit me in less than 2 months! And while I’ve cautioned myself against my dreams being shattered and high hopes being crushed, it never really hurts as much as when it’s actually happening.

…….

Gawd. And to think that I’m already such a boringly safe person, ever-managing my expectations and setting myself up for the worst. I swear, I can never be perfectly ready.

…….

BUT. (Here’s the big but). I remain thankful. I still feel blessed.

And life goes on.