it’s bliss

        My heart is thumping in a very unnerving manner. I am so god-damn nervous. It’s beating quickly and loudly, reminding me of what I’m about to face, whispering to my ear of the big risk I’m about to take.
        In reality, it’s not exactly a big "risk". It’s more of an adventure; something big and different and public. So me, being the low-self-esteemed person that I am, I view this supposed-to-be thrill as a threat; a challenge only to be outdone by being thick-skinned and greatly courageous.
        I am going to be venturing into the world of sportclimbing.
        So just weeks ago while Tita Bella was here, I climbed Power-Up. I felt my usual frightened "highs". And although I was really, really sheepish about the way I behaved and how I climbed the wall, I made it through, and looked forward for more "freedomg-fighting" climbs.
        Yesterday, I climbed again, with Yuri and my brother by my side of course. As usual, it was a ground-breaking feat for me. I was nervous and restless and each grasp of a higher hold made my palms all sweaty. Sitting on the stool, looking at the wall and imagining my fall, made my forehead break into a sweat. And, climbing the overhanged wall three times and never succeeding at finishing it, well, made me break into tears. Low, right?
        Anyway, in between that very unprofessional climb and attitude, Francis Manaloto managed to gather his guts and DARE to invite me to join the Inter-School Sportclimbing Competition. And amidst all of my nervousness and shyness about simply getting into a harness and attaching the rope to a carabiner, I agreed to join. So here I am, Ina Flores, official school-aholic, self-conscious prick, sportclimbing amateur, defeat-and-humiliation-phobic–TURNED to a sportclimbing competitor overnight. How’d you like that.
        I’m unable to describe the nervouse state that I’m in. It’s a feeling of excitement, but likewise, also a feeling of fear and doubt. I sense the worst of all humiliation creeping up behind, just ready to jump right out on my face on February 5.
        I can’t explain the rush of laughter that went through me when I realized that Francis was serious abohut training for the comp. Just nights ago, I remember how my brother would mention it to me and I’d have the regretful thought of making the "joining-the-comp" notion as my reason for laughing. Then here enters Francis, SERIOUSLY asking and me, reluctantly agreeing. It’s wild.
        Now I wonder. Now I can’t stop my brain from thinking nervous thoughts: What does this "odd-venture" mean? What’ll happen to me now? Is it gonna affect my schoolwork, my passion for getting the top-notch spot? If I do train and climb regularly, will I begin to gain confidence? Will it mark the end of my "introvertness", as what Power-Up brought to my brother? Will I become sociable, will I become close with my so-called teammates, will I go around school hanging out with both these groups of people and my present barkada? Am I gonna stop being so devoted to my extra-curriculars…and for the biggest and probably most significant question for me is: WILL I SUCCEED?
        Exams are just finished, my report went as well as I expected it to. TATAK and SUGOD are just both starting to jump off the plank of relaxation, and the batch just accomplished its raffle.
        The start of a new quarter. The start of a new venture. What do you think is gonna happen to me, Notebook?
        I honest-to-goodness have NO CLUE to how things are gonna work out so, for both your comfort and mine, I’m gonna be updating this notebook to reflect on the things happening in my life…May the force of Lucky Dumpling be with me…

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Written on the date indicated above. I just find myself so hilarious. And it just makes me wish…how every thing I confront now, I wish I had the same presence of mind to write down my feelings in order to manage my expectations and emotions…Nowadays…It just seems that there’s no time for any of these…

In reference to my previous entry…………

Huh? What distractions? (Complete with the innocent blinking).

I’ve been so preoccupied with a trying to get a decent amount of sleep amidst maintaining healthy relationships all around me that there’s just not even enough time left to get distracted. Man, there’s not even enough time to whine and wallow in self-pity!

So that’s that. I’m doing aye-ok so far despite the lack of monetary compensation for rendering overtime work, and I’m not even complaining. Three cheers for the optimist! (Or is this being stupid?)

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The past three weeks was just a flurry of mental activities, and of course, American Idol-related matters. I can hardly remember when the nights of sleep ended and when the day starts, cos it seems that my mind is always on the go, wary of waking up too late and getting to work beyond 9:00 am, and always trying to absorb all techniques and tools of analysis like a sponge.

Maybe it’s so shocked with all the activity that it can’t even rest as I sleep, leaving me with all these silly, tiring dreams.

Ho well. That’s that. I’m still not complaining. I guess I’m enjoying myself somehow.