it’s bliss

The failed coup, the so-declared state of emergency, the convergence of Rallyists along Ayala avenue; they sure gave the population a jolt, sent the Peso devluating again, and knocked apathetic-me on the head.

How I wish I could also say I was deeply affected by the events. However, I wasn’t. I was somewhat affected because work that Friday was cut from 9 hours to 5, and I had the opportunity to feel and witness the flying confetti along the blocked street of Makati (pics to be posted later!) But other than the change in my supposedly normal work day, I remained only temporarily moved by the People Power 10th anniversary celebrations (that were sadly cancelled), rally permits that were revoked, warrantless arrests that were made, and police abuses committed on marching activists.

I am not sure if such apathy is excusable. It most probably isn’t. But is one expected to be shocked, shaken and haunted when such plots to overthrow the government, "insider stories" on the Administration’s power-hungry conspiracies, and regular rallies against the Philippines government has become a mainstay on print and broadcast media? Is one who is in the office expected to feel the impact of such news when he/she is busily working on his day-to-day tasks and consumed by the boss’ 5:00pm deadlines? Is one who appreciates the peaceful commemoration of Filipino freedom be faulted for preferring to go by his/her routines over joining the movements in EDSA?

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I find three good things that came out of all yesterday’s events:

1. Though officeworkers were almost blind-eyed to the happenings in EDSA as it progressed, the day ended with everyone informed.
2. Preventive measures were taken to assure that people were able to go home safely.
3. I got to go home early and spend relaxing, quality time with my sister and friend.

To everyone who commented on my two previous entries, I am touched by your encouraging words and I assure you that I’ll be okay. Aside from being in that post-college "lost" state, I just find myself severely influenced by challenging things that my family is going through (I’m new to being uncontrollably affected by my loved ones’ pains). Minsan, kailangan ko din palang magpaka-totoo

Thus, today’s parting words:
Thanks to being stuck in traffic with friends.
Thanks to a movie date.
Thanks to a Cibo dinner.
Thanks to phone calls, SMS, and Pasa-Loads.
Thanks to cancelled appointments.
Thanks to lots of sleep.
Thanks to TV marathons.
Thanks to support groups found only in da Philippines. I do love this country. I wish I can do some more for it.

I end this post with a smile.

And right after posting that other entry, I realized:
Even more than ranting, I’m going to cry, cry, cry, cry, cry.

…..

And there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

I’m gonna be a girl.

I’m gonna be whiney, oversensitive, weak, impatient, unclear, lame, and dramatic. I’m gonna say things on impulse and take them back when I realize that the things I said were stupid, without care of how illogical I appear to other people. I’m going to cry at the slightest discomfort. I’m not gonna say what I mean, and get pist when other people don’t understand what I’m saying. I’m gonna think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and fulfill my bad experience for the day all by myself. I’m gonna rant, rant, rant.

So sue me.

…

I know that Tin–among others–will kill me for this ruthless representation of females, but I don’t care quite so much right now. I just want to complain.

Shouldn’t last so long anyway. Only until I get a grip of my life-to-be. God, the suspense is destroying me.

2/10/2006
Not doing anything bothers me.

But I don’t know which is the bigger problem: Being idle, or not knowing whether I’ve really done enough in order to claim myself as idle.

I don’t know what to do anymore. They’ve cut down my responsibilities from two events to one. I’ve made a gantt chart to clearly layout what other things are needed to be done. I’ve checked and rechecked the gantt chart, and according to the date, I’ve accomplished everything I needed to have done this week (at least, as far as my powers can handle–I can only push people and press deadlines so often). I’ve emailed and followed up all the people I need things from. I’ve lined up the things I need to do next week. I’ve consulted and sought advice from friends about each step I’m ABOUT to take.

Given that I’ve accomplished what I needed to do this past week, and laid out what I need to do in the coming ones, I really don’t know what to do anymore. Part of me would think that I can keep planning: Keep planning to the brim, schedule each appointment and each action, post reminders all over my desk. But a bigger part of me knows that that’s insane because one can only plan so much. It’s useless to plan by the minute as it hardly gets followed when it’s too detailed.

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02/15/06
Looking back, I realized that there’s a simpler way of driving at my point: It’s terribly difficult, if not impossible, to be preoccupied by ONE responsibility for 6 hours a day, 7 days a week.

And that’s what I’ve been struggling with.

I’ve been forcing myself to work 6 hours straight out of respect to the other hardworking people around me, when in reality, I’ve nothing left to do! And that feeling sucks, because it makes me feel useless and unproductive.

Most of all, it’s tiring. It’s tiring to pretend that you’re preoccupied with something when you’re not. It’s tiring because it’s boring, and boring because time drags by when you’re not doing anything. It’s tiring, too, emotionally, as it draws out the negative feelings of worthlessness and inefficiency. It’s definitely guilt-strickening, being aware that money is paid in return for my services, when no full services are rendered.

Hrmph. It’s tiring.

****************
02/19/06
Not only did I run out of things to do in the office, but I seemed to have lost my positive thoughts, too. Where did all my optimism go?

I hope they’re only taking a temporary leave of absence…

Turns out i’m going to write about my schizophrenic tendencies anyway.

Okay, okay, it’s far from schizophrenia. But I just find it so weird how my mind can keep changing at practically every hour.

Paano ba naman, isang oras, iisipin ko na ayoko na sa aking pangkasalukuyang trabaho dahil wala talaga siyang kinalaman sa kurso ko. Pakiramdam ko wala akong bagong natututunan (kahit na mayroon, syempre, kahit konti) at nagaaksaya lang ako ng oras. Malulungkot ako, medyo maluluha pa ng konti kung minsan, at parang sa isang pelikulang drama, ipapahid ko ang aking basang mga mata at pilit na itatago ang kalungkutan mula sa mga ka-opisinang wala namang kamuang-muang sa aking nararamdaman.

Tapos, pagkalipas ng isang oras, may darating na trabaho at mapipilitan akong gumalaw at magisip, hangga’t sa mapapansin ko na lang na may saysay pala ang mga pinaggagagawa ko. At dahil meron na akong feeling of self-worth, iisipin ko, "My job’s not so bad after all." At ngingiti ako sa aking sarili.

Pag dumating sa puntong wala na akong ginagawa, o natapos ko na ang trabaho ko, papasok na naman sa isip ko ang panghihinayang. Mapapa-analyze ako kung bakit ba ako nandito, at mafu-frustrate dahil hindi ko alam kung masaya ako sa ginagawa ko. Lalalim ang iniisip ko at maiinis na naman sa trabaho ko. Mapupuna ko ang lahat ng ayaw ko sa trabaho, sa kompanya, sa hirap ng pag-commute.

Tapos darating ang pagkain. Mirienda na. May birthday, may magpapakain. Tatayo ako mula sa aking upuan at makikihalobilo sa mga ka-opisina. Gaganahan ako. Makiki-chika at maiisip na "Masaya na ako sa trabaho ko. Dito na lang kaya ako Magstay. Tutal, kilala ko na ang mga tao, hindi na ako dadaan pa sa panibagong adjustment period." Papasok sa isip ko lahat ng rason kung bakit ako dapat mag-stay sa kompanyang pinagtatrabahuhan ko, papasok lahat ng pros at makakalimutan ko ang lahat ng cons, na para bang hindi lang ako maluha-luha nung nakaraang 60 minutos.

Hay. Ewan ko. Ganito nga yata talaga. Maiksi lang ang pasensya ko kaya’t kinakailangan kong magreklamo. Para namang may choice ako, diba? Wala naman.

Pero sa totoo, sa tingin ko ay I’m on my way to sanity. Unti-unti kong natatanggap ang kalagayan ko. Aaminin kong hindi pa ako fully adjusted dahil kapansin-pansin ang pagod at kababawan ng luha ko nitong nakaraang mga linggo. Pero sa tingin ko, kakayanin kong buoin ang mga susunod na buwang naka-takda sa kontrata ko. Kaya ko siyang gampanan at daanan na para bang isang research paper na paulit-ulit kong inumpisahan at tinapos noong college ako. May mga realizations na ako. Kahit ba naman na hindi tama yung iba, natutuwa akong isipin na nakikilala ko ang sarili ko sa prosesong ito.

Siguro, para sa mga taong hindi pa alam ang kanilang nais gawin sa buhay kagaya ko, iyon ang purpose ng first job. Upang makilala ang sarili. Kailangan ko lang isa-isip ‘yon at maisantabi ang mga pangarap na pumanik sa career ladder at magka-pera. Mapalad na ang sinumang makatsamba na ma-in love sa unang industriya at trabahong pinasok niya. Dahil ako, mukhang tanggap ko na na kailangan ko muna malaman kung ano ang gusto kong gawin. Doon muna ako mababahala. Kailangan maghintay. Kailangan maging matsaga. Kailangan ko ng pasensya. God grant me patience.