it’s bliss

I hate being a witness to a developing conflict. Much more when it’s between people I hold close to my heart.

I hate how I am unable to take sides, and/or analyze which is the right side. But even worse, how I can never summon up the guts to become a peace-maker. Or even acknowledge the fact that a severe misunderstanding is going on, and at least TRY to reconcile the differences.

I’m such a chicken in that sense.

*****

Today was a supposedly nice night. It WAS a nice night. The fireworks were spectacular and the evening was truly an adventure in itself.

Imagine, we walked, back and forth, the length of Diosdado Macapagal Avenue to Seaside Avenue, up to the end of the Bay City Promenade, which is all in all, about 6 kilometers. We endured a total of 4 hours of traffic/driving. We missed our dinners and patched our growling tummies with sodium-brimmed chips and caffeine-packed sodas.

But like my mom said, it’s a festivity. We knew what we were getting into–which is basically a fireworks show on its last, most-hyped up, and most likely, most-jam packed day. We left the house late–an undesired outcome but nevertheless something not worth fussing about–but loaded with eagerness and fighting spirit. It’s something we do maybe once every five years. So who cares about the surprises, the randomness of events, and the spontaneity?

…

Apparently, my dad’s too OC to savor the flow of things. Thus, the fight.

Plus, my sister manages to kid me about how it’s all my fault that we were caught up in those horrendous, snail’s pace traffic jams. [Not something I totally minded, but just seemed to attach itself to the list of factors for the night's not-so-happy ending].

Sigh.

How unfortunate that not all good intentions turn out as good plans. So much for sharing the pyro olympics with my family.

Like Joy, it confuses and frustrates me how the Christmas season has turned into a stressful time of the year. Admittingly, I’ve been guilty to the unnecessary, materialistic issues of whether or not I’ve bought enough presents for everyone and all that fuss; thankfully, I did not feel that kind of stress THIS year because of my early Christmas shopping in Thailand. Still, with a busy household like mine, it was quite a challenge not to get wrapped up in everyone else’s panicked, less-than-Christmasy mood…

But I had a nice Christmas. I enjoyed it because I spent the past two days (24th and 25th) in my house, taking it easy, getting to do what I want, and getting to spend it doing things with and for the people I love.

I spent my two days helping my mom out in the kitchen (at least, as much as I could); having breakfast, lunch and dinner with my family (an uncommon event in the house, given their schedules); wrapping and putting gifts under the beautifully lit tree; catching up with my cousins; dressing up for the Christmas eve and having tons of photo ops with my loved ones; making calls all afternoon and typing all night long for my mom’s high school class directory (in short, doing something FOR my mom, for a change!); spending quiet, relaxed time with Miel; and of course, eating the good ol’ pastel, morcon and potato salad that my mom lovingly makes every Christmas, even if she could use the cooking time on catching up on lost sleep instead.

My brother complained it’s a "boring" Christmas.

I just couldn’t agree. Cos it thrills me to be blessed with so much–and I feel it especially during this season when I’m at home with everyone and surrounded by love and comfort.

Thank you, God, for my family, friends and loved ones, and for the chicken, beef, sausages, potatoes, carrots, eggs, mayonnaise, pickle relishes, hams, cheeses, fruits, breads, butter, cokes, wines, beers, ice, pillows, blankets, beds, laptops, TVs, books, music (special mention to Sugarfree and An Evening in December), sofas, presents, wrappers, ribbons,  clear skies, bright moon, fog, the cold, cold, air, and the big, roof over my head, for celebrating with me again this season.

Tis the season to be jolly! Merry Christmas to all.

I ran in the UP oval last Monday and Wednesday, and what can I say? … Ang sarap talaga sa UP.

Siguro isang factor kung bakit ako gandang-ganda ay dahil na-senti ako, pero sino bang hindi mapapabuntong-hininga sa isang carless oval na kumikislap sa Christmas lights at nakakatindig-balahibo ang lamig?

That, and the smell of fresh, just-rained-upon, dewy grass;
of wet asphalt and muddy tracks;
of the cigarettes of (liberated) students;
of old fying oil in the fishball-frying pan;
of exhausts of smoke-belching jeepneys;
of Babba’s shawarma;
of incense and candles from booths that sell all sorts of knickknacks and thingamajigs;
of burnt lights that have been turned on for too long.

Students, boys and girls, friends, walking over the wide pavement;
nagbubulungan, nagsasayawan,nagkakantahan, nagtsitsismisan;
parked by the sidewalks and satisfying their OC-ness by decorating their booths meticulously kahit na late na late na, at kahit na gutom na sila;
laughing at each other’s mishaps and OC-ness;
and giggling about any random thing.

The twinkling Christmas lights on all the buildings–no matter how faint, no matter how few, it doesn’t matter because you know about "osterity measures" and are aware of the fact that the amount of Christmas decorations has nothing to do with the spirit of Christmas.

That working your ass off late at night in the middle of your university campus has more to do with the spirit of Christmas, because while you and your classmates/blockmates/professors/advisers desperately, tediously finish up a booth or a lantern together, it develops a bond that makes all of you friends for life.

Sigh.

UP is like my home. It reminds me of simple joys and how one doesn’t need much material to be happy. It reminds me of important things to have in one’s life, like family, friends, a clean, safe environment, and fresh air to breathe.

There was a LOT of spicy, herb-y, thunder-lightning-n-soothing-downpour-sensation kind of food. Think seafood and chili, seafood fried rice overflowing with crabs and shrimps, and ground pork swimming in a puddle of spicy oyster sauce and basil leaves. Think tall, fat glass of sweet, milky thai iced tea served in freakin’, freezin’ cold crushed ice (yeah, it felt THAT cold considering some of the hot and humid days that comes with the beach).

There were unlimited rows of bargain shopping. Intricate sandstone carvings, meticulously-shaved wooden figurines; shiny, shimmering shops full of sequined items; rack upon rack of flowing skirts and breezy tank and halter tops and swim suits and ja-peks roxy short-shorts and sandos, perfect for a Boracay escapade; piles and piles of kacha pants and light-fabric tops and lacy blouses. Shelves loaded with accessories, home decorations, knickknacks, and souvenir items that one doesn’t need.

And of course, how will I forget the limestone cliffs where I spent 20 out of 30 vacation days climbing on? 20 days of getting out of bed at 8am in the morning to have an early start at climbing, and heading back to the bungalow at around 7pm to have dinner and be sleeping by 10pm, in order to start another "early" climbing day at 9am the following morning.

But a reason to enjoy and lovingly keep Thailand in one’s memory is the way they speak English. It’s something hard to avoid and inevitable to remember

Saturday = sh*tday. I’ll be stuck at home, sitting on my ass, and none of my plans for the day will ever push through. I will wake up to the sound of shouting, panicking house helpers and be met by an equally-frustrated and panicking mother about how there’s no water supply in UP due to some pipes or pumps that MWSS failed to fix. This will result in a messy commotion of how to bring water to UP, and it’ll just be one noisy, ugly morning wake up call.

Mauubusan ako ng pagkain sa almusal, pero di bale na, mawawalan din naman ako ng gana kumain pagkatapos ng ganong gising. Maglalakad lakad na lang ako at maghihintay na lang ng lunch. Susubukan ko syempre manood ng TV pero wala akong magugustuhang palabas at papatayin na lang ito. Susubukan kong magbasa ng libro, pero syempre dahil bad trip ako, maiinip ako sa kabagalan kong magbasa, at mahihilo lang sa kalaliman ng mga Ingles na salitang pinaghalo-halo na parang kaning baboy, at mauuwi sa pagtapon ko ng libro sa pinakamalapit na mesang mapagbabatuhan ko nito.

Eh di ano ng mangyayari? Uupo na lang ako at tutunganga.

Hindi ko man lang susubukang maghanap ng paraan upang makapunta sa dapat kong puntahan. Hindi ko man lang aalalahanin na may mga kaibigang nagaalok ng kanilang sasakyan, at hindi rin mababahala na may iba pang mga kaibigan na naghahanap ng gimik at ninanais ang aking pagsama sa kanila sa kung saan man. Hindi ko rin mapapansin na nandito lang ang aking pamilya na handang tulungan ako sa aking "problema"–kahit ga-kuko lang ang liit–na ako’y mananatiling magmumukmok sa aking kwarto at hahayaang mabulok ang aking laway habang isa-isa silang aalis at aatupag sa kani-kanilang sariling gawain at tuntunin.

Hindi ako mapapalagay.

Hindi ako ngingiti.

Mananatili akong bulag sa sangkatutak na bagay na nakapaligid sa akin.

It’s nearing Christmas again. A friend and I were both feeling overwhelmed with the two weeks left before Christmas day–particularly, the list of parties and "social obligations" (as my mom would put it)–that we would have to cram in this remaining two weeks. She said half-jokingly, "Sagabal na ngayon ang Christmas eh, no??" I laughed with her and had to partly agree. I seriously have to psyche myself up for all these late night events and drinking and pagpupupyat as they can tire me more than climbing does!

******

So I’m back from my one-month trip in Thailand and the experience was better than I ever dreamt of. I guess that’s cos I never really have vivid foresights nor built-up images of how that one month would turn out; I just planned on going there with the best bookings and schedules that my money can buy, and of course, the best travelmates I can nag to join me, and hope that everything works out perfectly. And they did. I’m so thankful for everyone who came with me, all the people I met, and all those who were left back home and prayed that I have a safe trip. Happy, happy.

And now it’s December, the month in which I should be job-hunting so as to start living in the real world by early 2006. And am I looking for a job? Admittedly, not yet.

And though it is out of my character to not feel guilty for delaying this, I honestly am not feeling guilty. I blame it on Christmas spirit. Who would be looking for a job just when everyone else is looking forward to Christmas?? Who could stare and edit and submit resumes in Makati when you can feel the cold wind blowing; the red, greens, and yellows sparkling; and all those carols ringing in your ears? I feel like I’d be committing a crime to the season if I even dare to wear a corporate outfit.

******

Speaking of jobs, my mom and I had a short talk about what kind of job I’ll look for (WHEN i am startin to look for one, hehehe…)

Inaamin ko, fellow coursemates, that I’m not all that motivated to work in the field of market research as most of you have. I know I might be saying this because I have never really tried it out, or you might think it’s something you have to break into and take some getting used to, but right now, it doesn’t appeal to me enough that I have no intention of applying in the same companies that you guys have.

So I told this to my mom, and she recommend to me her age-old ambition for me and my sister: To work for an airline. I couldn’t help but laugh when my mom told me this. It’s cos I remember her telling me to work in an airline ever since I was, like, 4 years old! And because of this "dream" of hers, I never really developed any kind of ambition for myself. While I was growing up, whenever I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, I’d give the vague reply of shrugging my shoulders and saying, "Ewan ko, pero gusto ko sa airline." And now, 15 years later, I’m stuck with the same vague ambition and the same vague next-step in my life.

The funny part is, the vague-ness of the plan doesn’t bother me as much, because I know I’d love to work in an airline for the travel benefits. And it would also be extra cool to fulfill MY mom’s dreams of earning those travel benefits, too. Never mind what exactly I’ll do there, but it’ll never hurt to try applying, right?