it’s bliss

Amidst the discussion of habitually saying "yes" and "no" and the anxieties it brings us, here is one of my favorite lessons from a book called "The Rock Warrior’s Way: Mental Training for Climbers". Yes, my friends, it’s a book for climbers. [And yes, mental training is an important aspect of climbing, too]. And though the book’s title may sound totally serious and exclusive, it’s actually very practical [which is another reason why iLuvit]. The excerpt below discusses the importance of expanding our comfort zones, and the role that risk-taking plays in helping us achieve just that.

Paradoxically, taking risks actually increases our safety and comfort.
Sudden danger lurks everywhere–losing our jobs, being struck by a car,
contracting a mortal illness. A cowering, protective approach to life
doesn’t reduce the peril. It only serves to make us slaves to fear and
victims of constant anxiety.

In short, we gain comfort and security by expanding our comfort zones,
and we expand our comfort zones by venturing into the risk zone. We
make ourselves uncomfortable and insecure for a short time in order to
learn what we’re capable of. We can’t directly attain comfort and
security; we must strive for them indirectly.

*Special note to tin: i’m sorry i had to copy and paste that thing onto my entry. [whaddya think?? ;)] i’m kinda in a rush kasi, so i thought it would be better to just let the thing speak for itself. hay naku.

To resume…I had a realization just after commenting on Tin’s blog.

Nagpromise kasi ako kaninang hapon kay Tin na ishe-share ko ‘tong risk-taking thing sa kanya at a later time (which is now). Pagkatapos ko i-type ang promise ko, i suddenly went, "Shit, i just volunteered myself to do something!" Gets nyo ba? My promise to email Tin is a version of impulsively saying "yes" to things! Even if i was already busy doing something (as manifested in how i saved the discussion for now instead of just typing it earlier) i still went ahead and  gavemyself an assignment to discuss risk-taking…

Not that i mind doing my assignment, i love sharing bits and pieces of information. It was just such an eye-opener for me, how even bad habits have manipulative, deceitful versions. I just had to broadcast it here.

Replying to Raissa’s comment on my entry got me thinking a bit. We were talking about how saying "no" mostly comes with negative implications, and I was saying how maybe I should take time to decide on things before saying "yes" to them. Thinking about it now, I think saying "yes" to doing small- to medium-scale tasks has somehow become my default response to people, despite of the possibility of losing my night’s sleep or spending quality time with the important (but understanding) people in my life; in spite of the image of Miel’s disapproving look in my head.

It sucked that I had to drag a friend into my bad habit one time. It it involved us purchasing something for other people, and I volunteered him to advance the money for our friends who could not send the money to us at that time. I had to argue with him all the way that it’s not a hassle withdrawing from the ATM, and that he shouldn’t be scared that our friends will not pay him back, only to realize a few hours later that just because I’m okay with doing certain things my way, it doesn’t mean that people close to me are okay with it as well. That "favor", in particular, involved money, and I should know better than to involve people in financial matters especially since money is a fairly sensitive issue to many.

I love volunteering to do tasks. I enjoy saying "yes" and seeing the smile of relief and gratitude in others’ faces. I like doing something with my time, and seeing how my work will have a larger-scale effect and bring smiles to the faces of more people. All of it makes me feel productive. It makes me feel good. So what if I don’t sleep; I’m not gonna die with a lack of 1 or 2 days worth of sleep. My brain may slow down a bit but the damage won’t be permanent. Worse case is it’ll probably have a long term effect on my nervous system or overall health but it’s not like it happens every week. I enjoy working with other people–I sometimes think it’s through work or productive efforts where I get to bond most with people who I’m not so clost to. Accomplishing something, learning something new, it’s all just fun for me.

Is that a bad habit?

I have SUCH a hard time saying "no".

So I just keep on saying "yes".

I keep saying "yes", even if I know that my schedule’s booked to the brim.

I keep saying "yes" even as the sight of my planner overwhelms me.

I’m stupid for saying "yes" because I’m well aware that saying "yes" means cutting down 6 hours worth of sleep to 2, or even to zero.

But I don’t take it back, and I feel stressed with the mere thought of what lays ahead.

…

I said "yes" to everything, but I don’t get to accomplish everything.

I run late, or submit an incomplete task, if not entirely fail to show for an event i said I’ll "definitely be there" for.

So I feel bad. Real bad. Real stupid.  Real guilty.

…

If only I had the guts, and the decency, and the SENSE to say "no", then I would’ve saved myself all that feeling of stress, stupidity, and guilt.

I see a little girl in braids staring at the wall from afar. She’s cute, petite, a bit Japanese-looking with her slightly slanted eyes and black hair. She threads through the scattered clothes racks and with big, wondrous eyes, takes in the colors and shapes attached on the wall.

"Gusto mo magclimb?" I ask her with a smile.

Her eyes turn to me in shy interest, her expression neutral.

"You want to try climbing?" I offer again.

She considers for a second before finally shaking her head. She takes one last glance at the rainbow of colors, one last breath, and runs off.

In a few minutes I hear a mother’s cautious warning. "O, how can you climb eh you’re so small?" I see the Little Girl tugging at her mother’s arm, urging the Mother to watch her climb the wall. Mother gives more "motherly" advice. "Look, you have to go all the way up there, it’s so high pa and you’re so small!"

Little Girl is not discouraged. She runs over the mat and grabs what holds she can, her tender arms pulling up her small, neatly-dressed body. She manages to go about two holds higher.

"You see, I told you you can’t do it pa. You can climb when you’re bigger. Let’s go."

Little Girl jumps off the wall and takes her mother’s hand. They walk a few meters away towards an elevated part of the store, her mother taking three steps up, while Little Girl grabs onto the Railings of the elevated part and pulls herself up–up and through the Railings, onto the elevated landing.

Little Girl says to her Mother: "See Ma, I can climb up all by myself."

Mother pretended not to hear anything. Or maybe she didn’t hear it at all. Basically she just didn’t say anything.

Meanwhile, I freeze in disgust.

OA ba ako? Probably. But it just breaks my heart to see a kid oh-so-willing to try something out and there comes an adult–her mother, at that!–keeping her from doing something she clearly longs to do! What gets to me is that Mother didn’t even bother asking me if little kids her size are indeed  "too small" to climb [the fact is, they are NOT!] which leads me to think, wala lang ba siya talagang pakialam sa nararamdaman ng anak niya?

***   ***   ***

Teenage boys in school uniforms are trying out the wall.

Teenage Boy (TB) Climbing: Ano, magsyota na ba kayo ni *Katrina?

TB Standing Around gives a teasing grin.

TB Sitting: Hindi pa, hindi pa.

TB Climbing: Hindi pa? Eh ba’t bitbit mo yung bag niya?

TB Sitting: Wala lang, pinahawak niya eh.

TB Standing Around: Kasama niya kanina si *David ah.

TB Sitting: Oo nga eh…

TB Climbing: Sabi ko sa’yo bilisan mo gumalaw, mauunahan ka niyan.

TB Sitting: Ito na nga sinasamahan ko na siya ngayon. Hindi ako mauunahan niyan.

TB Climbing laughs at the overconfident remark.

Ina, belaying, turns her head to the side and giggles at the boyish conversation.

*Names have been changed due to blogger’s poor memory.

1 out of 10 kids are raised by fathers who don’t know that their son/daughter is not their own.

I was watching a Discovery Channel program called Deepest Desires, and one segment focused on female infidelity. One father who was interviewed shared how he found out after being separated from his wife, through DNA matching, that three of their four kids were not biologically his.

WiLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Some facts are just totally devastating.

I told my brother about it and he took a second to contemplate the statistic. Then he said, "Mahirap na para sa lalaki na itago ‘yon." Nagpatawa pa. But he’s actually right. A guy will never be able to fake it. But Discovery provided another explanation, something along the lines of women more being more willing to provide and raise a child, even if  illegitimate, while men would not want to "waste" the fruits of their labor on a son/daughter that isn’t legally theirs.

Sh*t. I wonder if I even understood the show correctly. For all I know, my female bias might just have overpowered logical thinking.

He stands on the overly crowded ramp just like everyone else.

He constantly peers to the left, straining his neck to see if a train is coming any second soon, as if a harder, more focused stare will make the train move faster. He’s developed an impatient-peering habit, just like everyone else.

No train. He pulls his neck back to its place, resting it over his collarbone in resignation, just like everyone else.

He clutches his MRT card in his right fist and gives a tired sigh. Absentmindedly, he raises his right hand to his face. He parts his teeth, clenches his jaw, and slides the MRT card into his mouth and in between his teeth, scraping thin layers of accumulated saliva and yellows off of his enamel. And he scrapes. Up and down, up and down, and up and down some more. Not like everyone else.

The train comes into view. He lowers his arm and takes a baby step closer to the ramp, past the yellow tapings on the floor. He stiffens his body in preparation for the entrance march into the train, just like everyone else.

____________
This anecdote is an eyewitness account by Miel. Thanks for letting me share it to the MRT riders out there. Just so shows that we never know what really happens to those cards! Ingat-ingat na lang sa kung anong mga gamit o parte ng katawan niyo nilalapit o dinidikit yung mga card na ‘yan! Hehehe. Toothpick pala ha…

Every once in a while…
I forget all about my kakuriputan and splurge on clothes. All those moments of practical decision-making and austere spending jump right back into my consciousness, used by my lovely brain as a justification to spend some more cos I hardly spend a lot anyway. The wallet that yesterday was just deprived of cash in order avoid impulsive purchases is planted with bills all ready for spending. Susmaryosep!

Every once in a while…
When I get those splurging urges, I feel like an actual girl, which leads me to feel like buying girly stuff. And I do buy girly clothes (at least, more girly for my standards!) Today’s purchase included: Yellow shoes, a halter top, denim capris, and other sleeveless tops. And no matter how much I dislike Kamiseta and its marketing materials, it’s at times like these when I feel like saying, "It’s fun being a girl!"

Every once in a while…
I read my blockmates’ blogs and end up laughing, giggling, contemplating, sympathizing, reminiscing, and more often than not, missing them and missing college. I feel slightly envious that they’re all working already, finally on their career paths, or at least, on their road to discovering what career they will most shine in. I feel thankful for their experiences that they share so candidly, and from which I pick up lessons that I may use once I start working as well.

Every once in a while…
And this is something I realized a week ago, I can become such a workaholic, actually enjoying the late hours and waking up early to continue more work. Syempre, sinasabi ko ‘to dahil minsan lang nangyayari, alam ko naman na kapag may trabaho na at tuloy-tuloy na ang deadline ay hindi ko na mae-enjoy ang patuloy na pagpupuyat. Nevertheless, the thought of productivity fuels me, and most of the time, that single thought motivates me to get out of bed and do SOMETHING with my day.

Every once in a while…
I indulge in TV-show marathons and get a good dose of TV radiation. This is actually one thing I consider as "a thing to do" in order to be productive [as part of my well-roundedness regimen]. Two weeks ago, I accompanied my mom in an overnight stay at the hospital for her executive medical examination, and to my luck, HBO had a Sex & the City season-ender rerun! I watched the last four episodes straight, and I couldn’t have been prouder of myself for sitting on a Lazy Boy for so long! [At ang ganda pala nung story! I'm SO glad I was able to watch those last four episodes!!!] And just this past weekend, I watched six episodes of 24 in a borrowed 4th Season DVD from Miel. And before you ask, NO, not six episodes straight; the screening was scattered throughout Sunday. [24's really captivating, too...]

Every once in a while…
I get stuck in conflicts, and recently, there’s been a lot with my brother. I don’t even know if it’s a conflict. All I know is that I’ve been getting fed up with how he treats me, and I’ve cried twice in the past week for his words and actions. They’re not bad things, more of the usual big brother’s insensitively-close-to-bullying (but supposedly just lambing) teasing/retorting of a younger sister. The treatment’s been there for years, but recently, I haven’t been strong enough (or open-minded enough? flexible enough?) to take the blows. I don’t know what to do.

Every once in a while…
I feel like blogging, and that time is obviously this. Matagal-tagal na din kasi akong nawala sa sirkulasyon, at naisip ko, matagal-tagal na ding hindi napapaisip tungkol sa mga bagay na nangyayari sa buhay ko. I believe in the importance of slowing down once in a while, of taking time to reflect on the things happening in one’s life. A friend was just telling me yesterday how she realized that recently, she only took time to talk to God whenever she was in need of something. That happens to me too sometimes. I can get so caught up in my schedule that I begin to neglect the less-urgent but possibly more-important events happening around me. So before I begin to take the things I have in my life–both the good and bad stuff–for granted, I think the time is just right to be doing a bit of reflection.