it’s bliss

My last visit to the LTO was a disappointing, but memorable, experience. So disappointing that I wrote an entire article about it, describing my frustration over the inefficient systems and blatantly-practiced forms of corruption.

Three years later, I go there to have my license renewed, and I was greeted, surprisingly, by a lack of runners who once waved from outside the car and played tug-of-war over me, smiling greedily at the potential "client" to bring from testing center to testing center. This time, I walked alone leisurely to the license application windows, dressed very casually in old pants and tsinelas. I hid my grin of celebration as passing off as a shrewd, guided, middle class/majority member of the Philippine population, non-professional driver. It was a too-early celebration, it turns out, as once I took a few seconds to squint and read the "Steps to Applying/Renewing Your License" sign, I man in polo-barong shifts his attention to me and asks, "Apply kayo ng lisensya?"

I hate subjecting people to my scrutiny like that, especially in judging whether their actions root from pure generosity or from shameless deception. His apperance wasn’t suspicious and for his mere good-naturedness, I wanted to trust him, but his tone was familiarly all-knowing and too similar to the offers that LTO runners have learned to act out so well. And when he instructed another guy to accompany me to the drug testing center across East Avenue, I couldn’t hide the grimace that suddenly distorted my face.

What is it with government agencies that makes me so quick to judge? That creates a sickening uneasiness in my stomach and challenges my normally trustworthy nature to act otherwise? I suppose the guy noticed my reaction that he quickly spoke on defense of himself. "Ay, hindi niyo naman po ako kailangan bayaran, mga guide po talaga kami para sa mga kailangan ng tulong." And despite of my shunning and volunteering that I can do it by my own-21-year-old-self-thank-you, he insisted on accompanying me across the street to get my drug test and medical (aka eyesight) examination.

As we walked to the drug test area, I had no choice but to strike a conversation. If I was biting into the bait, I might as well find out who was reeling the line! I asked the guy if he always hung out at LTO, if he did this assisting-thing a lot. Turns out that he was just a student [something not impossible--he did look young and carried a notebook, pen, and a copy of Angels & Demons], went to LTO when he didn’t have class ["Kapag Tuesday gabi pa ang klase ko kaya dito muna ako mula umaga hanggang hapon"], and assisted people to get commission for referring them to his drug testing areas [a-ha, sabi ko na nga ba]. In fairness to him, he was accommodating and easy to talk to, but the irritatingly defeated look wouldn’t leave my face for having to go through a stinky, unhygienic, ill-equipped, substandard and most likely invalid drug and eyesight examination!

I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that these agencies can get away with milking money from people who just want to get a license (multiply P300 with the number of people who renew their driving licenses EVERY DAY with 365 days a year!), or the bullshit-ty stereotyping that average citizens learn to resort to in order to avoid succumbing to bullshit-ty practices. Buti na lang hindi ako naabutan ng kanilang 3rd break for the day [yep, they have a mid-morning break, lunch break, AND a mid-afternoon break!] at nakuha ko ang lisensya kundi masmarami pang mura ang nakuha sa’kin ng LTO.

After a month’s worth of calculating, i’ve finally decided to give up on getting the Sony Ericsson K750i.

<long sigh>

I need to save up for my trip, i don’t urgently need all those features, at mahiya naman ako kung hihingi pa ako sa magulang ko para bumili ng gamit na ako ang nakawala! Days went by and I had to recite these thoughts like a mantra…Goodness…

<long sigh #2>

But I’ve finally bought a new phone. I’ve convinced myself that I will only buy a new, feature-filled one when I can afford it (translated: when I already have a regular-paying job and can purchase it by deferred payment using my own credit line). Right now, I’m simply happy that I finally have a phone and can easily get in touch with people I need to communicate with, and doubly proud that my being practical got the better of me.

Cheers for my small, white, cute, simple and functional Sony Ericsson J200i! I’m once again fully contact-able!

A tribute was held for my grandmother today. No, she has not passed away, but the school she founded 35 years ago decided to give thanks to her contributions before she is "called back into Heaven", as she puts it. So there she was, at the age of 88, sitting in the front row of the Diliman Preparatory School High School AVR, all made up and dressed in her brand new Filipiniana. She sat in utter patience with a gaze that is, at her age, easily confused with slipping away, but is truthfully just gradual but sharp fascination with the stories thrown at her. Of course, accompanying the gaze was a peaceful smile as she listened to fellow pioneers, incorporators, and family members share with the rest of the audience their fondest memories of my Grandma.

At syempre, naiyak na naman ako. Ewan ko ba kung kailan pa naging ganitong kababaw ang luha ko. Okay, I am aware that it is not uncommon to cry in tributes for such occasions conjure old and unrepeatable memories into vivid images and beckon the possibility, if not the proximity, of death. However, my tears were once again unstoppable. The stone that formed in my throat seemed to have absorbed every drop of saliva, choking me as I desperately tried to swallow the round hardness. And as I self-consciously wiped the tears with the tips of my fingers, it occurred to me what often switches on the faucet:

It’s honesty. I cry because of the honesty. I cry because of the wide open untainted truth that is laid for the world to see, for the purity of the words used to describe people who are honored. That’s why I cry at weddings; because the bride and groom announce how come and how much they love each other, declaring it with passion and without pride. That’s why I bawled over My Girl and While You Were Sleeping; because Vada [Anna Chlumsky in My Girl] innocently and shamelessly dislayed the torment she felt in losing her best friend, because Lucy [Sandra Bullock in While You Were Sleeping] courageously confessed her fear of losing the family that so willingly embraced her. That’s why I cried watching (believe it or not) Queer Eye for the Straight Girl (a show I don’t even like because I find the hosts pretentious but ended up watching because the girl being made over looked pretty cool), because her best friend made a surprise appearance on her baby shower and made the most touching toast, expressing how she [the best friend] believes that her friend will be the most wonderful mom because of the natural abundance of love and unselfishness that flows from her.

I cry at honesty because I feel it’s something I fall short of. Despite of my projected it’s-a-beautiful-life optimism and who-the-hell-cares-what-they-think?! attitude, I feel I am slightly overly self-conscious of my image and what people think of me that I compulsively create "versions of the truth" and have bouts of telling not-so-little white lies. Personality tests prove that it takes a lot for my moods to go to extremes; I’m usually just calm and smiling, indifferent by things that come my way, whether negtive or positive. My mom says it’s something we all got from our Grandma (whom she says is quite stoic compared to other women). Whatever the cause, it has resulted in my being unable to impulsively share my thoughts and opinions on a whim, that I often go by my life neglecting to tell people how much I love, like, appreciate, and admire them…And that’s why it moves me when other people can do it so gracefully and effortlessly.

My eldest cousin Tricia spoke in behalf of us, the grandhchildren, joyfully recalling how Grandma introduced us all to the most "interesting" food (bayawak, palaka, kambing, locust), imprinting on the entire Apelo clan the great love of eating and trying out absolutely anything that is set on the table. She was remembered as a full-time homemaker: One who regularly goes to the palengke to get the ingredients for the family’s meals; cleans the meat she gets from the palengke herself (at times, killing chickens and peeling frog skins in the home kitchen, using her scalpel and surgical scissors); sows her children’s clothes and her grandchildren’s Linggo ng Wika and United Nations Day costumes; and so on. At the same time, she is distinguished by Tricia–in the same way we have grown to know her–as a modern and liberated woman. Fearless, strong, and directed; an expert driver ever since the 1950’s (a time when very few women knew how to drive, thus eliciting remarks of "Tingnan niyo o, babae yung nagmamaneho!" from people she passes by); one of the pioneers of family planning in the Philippines, alongside my Grandpa. She was a obstretician by profession, holding clinic at her residence and attending to friends’ emergency medical calls. One memory I enjoyed was when a friend remembered her by sharing how she doesn’t charge him with any professional fees for conducting medical checkups. He says that my Grandma only told him, "Kaibigan ka ng kaibigan ko, kaya’t kaibigan na din kita." It’s exactly the kind of woman my mother is, which now I know is a trait she inherited from her mom: She will welcome you without question, until you break her trust.

It was a wonderful afternoon, getting to know my Grandma in the eyes of her colleagues. She calmly and modestly responded to the testimonials by sharing her remaining worries (i.e., that she will no longer be able to second the deeds she has done for the people she has served in the past) and bilins (i.e., that when her time comes, her family will simply set her free and allow her to return to dust). I was happy to realize what makes me cry (allowing me to prepare more tissue the next time I might sit through a similar event!), to be reminded (yet once again…) to constantly tell the people I love how much I love them–or, at the least, express it in my own little way. Though I was wet from rain and tears, I left the school in a genuine smile, spared of the snot-dripping and sniffing that horribly blessed the tribute.

FOREWORD: i just felt like rambling for all the world to see, and for myself to get disgusted with, so as to shame and prevent myself from posting in this senseless way again. don’t read if you don’t want to get bored. OR, you may also read, but a comment is required for reading. [let's see how much control i have over you!...in other words, let's see how much silliness i can get away with.]

i will not lie. i will not make excuses. i will not deny.

i am not fulfilling the tasks i have set myself to do.

instead, i have found myself indulging in other things such as my core, my abdominal muscles, and doing yoga to make my abdominal muscles tighter. crazy, i know, but if you’ve been dreaming of getting abs and doing a presto handstand and enjoys a constant muscular (flexibility + strength) challenge, then you’re gonna get addicted to yoga. instead of psyching up for climbing problems, as my friend jen and i were talking about, we are now preparing ourselves for "yoga problems" (a term to be deemed unacceptable if not obliterated at first mention in a true yogi lifestyle, i’m sure)–aka attaining the incredible ashtanga yoga poses as displayed by our yoga instructor, and as we see in countless books, websites and magazines on yoga.

at least i’m able to fulfill one of the tasks i’ve assigned myself, and that is to continue reading. i’m not compltely moving forward, but i’m TRYING to. i’m clutching a book wherever i go, stealing a couple paragraphs every now and then, and before i go to sleep.

and yes, i’ve done what i’ve needed to do for vox so…CHECK. and i’m using my planner. sort of…i HAVE written on it again. although the sked has never really been as tight as i was in school so, it’s quite incomparable.

i need happy thoughts, i need happy to thoughts. i need to remind myself that i’m getting somewhere, that i’m accomplishing something. that things are going right.

<sigh>

i just get so analytical every time i sit in front of the computer. it’s as if sitting here for the purposes of checking email and reading through friends’ blogs is a sin, or something unproductive and directionless, that it keeps on making me reflect on what i’m doing with my life, even if i’m happy.

and i don’t even want to get started on my analysis of happiness, because doing so is completely ridiculous. ridiculous because, number one, happiness should NOT be analyzed, it is what is is, no levels whatsoever!; and two, analyzing it will just make it more confusing, make me more frustrated, and will certainly NOT get me anywhere.

i hate analyzing. who ever created such a concept. whoever he is, i wish he died of stress due to overanalysis. [that's right, blame it on the male species]. i’m not really bitter, i just sound like it, i’m actually more of confused. i still have that stuck feeling i’ve been feeling, and it’s not so fun.

but thank goodness for tonight’s yoga–it has kept me motivated, challenged, and logically sane.

Today, I will get my life back on track.

In the recent weeks, it felt like I’ve been floating, going through each day aimlessly, patiently waiting for conclusions and closures, like a single sentence that stands as a paragraph, taking occasional pauses on commas and semi-colons, but never really stopping to breathe, recollect, and start anew. They days have dragged by as I stood in anticipation for the endings of each activity, each situation, each emotion.

Now, with my SMART stint officially wrapped up, with the Half-Blood Prince sitting on the shelf, I’ve found the push I needed to start planning my life again. I’m writing this here to put myself to shame in case I don’t fulfill what I know I need to do, so let me go through my reminders one by one:
1. Start using the planner again. Schedule celebrations, meetings, and events.
2. Attend these scheduled events.
3. Fix VOX files.
4. Fix my room.
5. Attempt the Chocolate Kiss Operations Manual.
6. Look for writing rackets [must. save. up.]
7. Outline the climbing training program and coordinate with the National Team.
8. Continue to read books.
9. Use the not-so-recently bought photo album! (which entails having to select pictures from the laptop and have them printed, and sorting memorabilia and souvenirs from each trip…)
10. Keep doing yoga [hmmm, just wonder how i'll manage to save up if i keep paying for those classes...]

Amen. So help me God.

Today, I walked (what I think is, or what feels like) the entire length of the Makati overpass/walkway.

Yes, it was my first time. Sabi ng kaibigan ko maiksi lang daw. Kailangan ko kasi pumunta sa SMART Tower along Ayala Ave. corner V.G. Rufino. Inisip ko mag-jeep papunta at maglakad pabalik para adventure naman, pero pagdating ko don, mahangin naman at malamig-lamig ang panahon so nilakad ko na lang.

[Yeah right, pa-deny-deny ka pa diyan. Tamad at takot ka mad-adventure, you were just playing it safe you big sissy!]

Pasok ng SM, lusto sa Glorietta. Hindi ko man alam alin doon sa maraming labasan ang patungong Landmark, pero hinulaan ko na lang. Buti na lang may sense of direction ako. Labas sa unang walkway at nakita ang Powerbooks. Ayun, sabi ni Cali kakanan sa Ayala Museum imbis na kumaliwa. So tuloy-tuloy akong naglakad.

At naglakad.

At naglakad.

Minsan, tumitigil para basahin ang street signs.

Isang beses, bumaba ng hagdan dahil papasok ng carpark yung walkway, pero yun pala pumapasok talaga yung walkway sa mga carpark. So umakyat ako ulit ng hagdan.

At naglakad.

At naglakad.

Pagdating sa SMART, tinext ko si Cali: 10 minutes pala ha! Palibahasa malalaki ang hakbang mo!
[Syempre, may tawa pa din sa dulo.] I was sticky, sweaty. Slightly panting, my legs felt heavier too.

There’s really no point to this story, I just wanted to share my adventure. Masaya na ako kasi first time ko din makadaan sa underpass ng Makati (oo ngayon lang) at tuwang-tuwa na ako kasi maganda siya. Malinis, umaandar ang escalator, may load-an pa ng Globe. Daig pa ang nasa Korea na puno ng vendors. I was also awarded with nice first-time experiences and cold airconditioning at the SMART offices, so it made up for the long walk. And while I was struggling going to the SMART Tower, I was already contemplating, "Siguro pag pabalik hindi na ‘to kasing nakakapagod."

And whaddya know, it really felt much shorter the second time around, exactly because I already knew what to expect. The lovely workings of our brain.

WARNING: Harry Potter Book 6 - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince spoilers up ahead…Not that this is much of a warning…I know I’m a late reader, so NO NEED TO PUSH IT.

I knew the plot even before I started on it [i admit, the emotion could've been stronger if it was kept a mystery; next time i swear i'll exert extra effort to keep myself from finding out about endings!], but OH. MY. GOD!!!, i’m still blown away that Dumbledore died! Like i said, i knew he was gonna die, i knew that Snape was gonna kill him, but i guess inside me i was still kinda doubting the possibility of that happening, cos if he was dead, what will come of Harry? Eh yung batang ‘yon pa naman, lagi lang siyang sinasagip ni Dumbledore, ‘no! Six books have now been completed and at the end of practically every crucial, battling point, he found himself in the skilled hands of great ol’ Dumbledore.

Sad. So, so, sad. I find it sadder than when Sirius died. [Is that weird?] He was a mentor to everyone, and I loved his odd sense of humor. His complacency and utter patience. He was kind–too kind for his own good. And he was wise. He always seems to have a deeper, tighter grasp of things, as no other character in the book ever will. Hay.

Let us pause and take a moment of silence for the greatest wizard we have ever known.

…

So now he’s dead. And Harry’s still the naive teenager that he is. Sometimes I think Hermione would be better off being the great wizard, what with her photographic memory that is sure to be helpful in piecing together Tom Riddle’s dark, creative, abstract puzzles. (Or I could just be slightly feminist…teehee). Siguro minsan hindi lang talaga ako fully convinced sa maturity ni Harry–may pagkap-overly impulsive din siya eh, ‘no? Lalo na pagdating sa hormones niya…But I guess that’s part of his strengths, being able to act spontaneously…Na-wirdohan lang ako sa pag-convince niya kay Slughorn na ibigay sa kanya yung memory, i was hoping it would be something more sneaky, or at least, more witty, pero, my gulay, linasing lang! Ano ba namang tactic ‘yon…I suppose pinapalabas lang ni J.K. [naks, close kami] na hindi nga niya strength yung pagiging sly or scheming, pinakita nga din naman na si Tom RIddle ay mas-swabe sa mga ganong bagay kesa kay Harry…Oh dear, and that Ginny love story…Sabi ko na nga ba, parang Spiderman at Mary Jane ang ending nito…

What keeps me at the edge of my seat now, what i’m REALLY wondering about, is how exactly Rowling will be able to pull-off Harry accomplishing the task of finding the remaining Horcruxes, killing Snape, and finally eliminating the life that’s left of Lord Voldemort? With Dumbledore gone and out of Hogwarts, who will be able to keep an eye on him and cast that emergency, life-saving spell just in the nick of time? Will Hermione and Ron be able to guard him? With the members of the Order unaware of his plans, how is he to be protected? Harry’s not like Dumbledore who has direct contact with members of the Order, nor does he have an expansive network to be able to relieve him at times of urgent need.

I enjoyed the book–I couldn’t put it down–but I think I still stick with the Prisoner of Azkaban being my favorite. But right now, I’m mostly looking forward to the following things:
- See what happens to Malfoy (hmmm, you think magiging do-gooder siya, mapunta sa side ng Order?…Nah, masyadong cliche. Mas-may impact siguro kung mamatay na lang siya. >:) hehehe)
- See what happens to Neville (I predict that this kid will take on a bigger role in the future…)
- Find out how Rowling will be able to make Harry and his friends learn enough spells, mature and become less like teenagers, and become wiser, just in time for them to be able to defeat the Death Eaters
- See how Rowling will make Harry will put an end to Voldemort, without making the book dragging/stuffing in too much details in too short a time/making it three times thicker/sounding like she’s trying too hard to finish it all in the seventh book.

:)