it’s bliss

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends, and some true enemies; be successful anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; keep building anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, others may be jealous; be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will forget tomorrow; be good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; give your best anyway.

For you see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

Was driving on my way home when I passed by a Shell station jampacked with cars, waiting their turn to fill tanks up before midnight strikes. That 10% VAT sure got everyone worked up, and for a good reason too, imagine the price of unleaded gas increasing by around P3/liter! It sure is a terribly heavy weight on the consumers’ pockets…Not that I pay for our family car’s gas, but lined-up vehicles spilling from the gas station was a pretty freaky sight. It got me thinking about panic buying, and one image led to another, and what with the GMA controversies, the thought in my head evolved into a full-blown economic instability and a picture of nationwide commotion and chaos. Scary!!!

It’s a good thing I didn’t crash the car while my mind conjured up those sorry images…

Ina, the stubborn brat, strikes.

My mom was driving me to the climbing gym this morning when she asked me if I was getting anything from being an assistant in the climbing PE classes. Instantly, a wave of irritation fell over me. What’s with the question?? But I stayed calm.

I patiently tell her no, explaining that I only volunteered to help out because I wanted to learn how to teach climbing properly. Besides, I am not a professional instructor, and only an apprentice of some sort, so there’s no need for me to be compensated. "May free lunch naman ako," I even managed to joke.

She does not budge.

"Pero kahit na, shouldn’t you have some sort of compensation kasi diba sa ibang companies yung mga trainees may compensation?"

HHHHAAAYYYYyyyy. That was it, I HAD to find out what was all this (and all other past, similar small talks) were about. "Gusto mo talaga kumita na ako, no??" I raised. And as I feared, she says yes, telling me it would be better if I spent my own money and that she doesn’t want me sitting idly away in the house all the time.

You may wondering what bugged me. It shouldn’t be a big deal ’cause she is my mom, just reminding me not to forget to earn a living and not throwing my education away and that sort of thing like what most moms do, but that’s exactly it! What have I done or what am I doing that makes her think I’ve forgotten about the value of hadwork and the importance of earning for myself? Have I bummed around so much that she thinks I need that sort of reminding? She knows how hard I can work, she knows my dedication to things I’m committed to, she knows I save and am careful with my money, so what’s the big deal??

Sigh. I know I may be overreacting but I just want to let this out, and maybe even hear some advice to fix my own perspective. My point is, if she wants me to work, I just wish she’d tell me straight to my face that she’d be happier seeing me working than picking on my measly activities. If she wants to see my savings account expand, if she wants to see me out and running again, all she has to do is tell me and I’d abide by what she says. I’m not one to disobey as long as given reasons for having to do what I must do. But dropping hints like that all over, I’m sorry, they just won’t do.

Just seconds before the host entered my mouth, an overwhelming feeling came over me and tears just began to surface in my eyes. As I whispered "Amen" and walked back to my seat, I tightly held a ball of saliva in my throat, bit my bottom lip, and tried desperately to hold back my tears.

Is it just me or does everyone get that sudden waterfall of emotion when they’re in mass? What keeps me wondering is, I’m not even sure why I’m sent to tears, and I always end up analyzing whether they’re there out of an overwhelming feeling of gratitude, or a painstaking amount of guilt.

Naturally, I always feel it’s more about the gratitude because I’m one to always count my blessings. I can never understand why I get to have all the good things in life  while other people have it so bad. No matter what I do, things always seem to go my way, or at the least, always have a brighter and better side to them.

Still, it never ceases to shock me how, out of the blue, and not even amidst deep prayer or contemplation, I would just feel the urge to cry my heart out.

One note: The calendar in this blog is not Pinoy time. Blame me for not figuring out how to configure the time settings properly!

An email exchange I’d like to share and put on the record, just because it’s one of ‘em conversations I enjoy having. Originally written on a Saturday, June 25, 2005.

Miel to me:

Hello again, semi-finals are over and we’ve reached a few bumps along the way, aldwin and i still climbed good even due to certain circumstances. Aldwin was not told that he had one minute left and he ran out of time before the last clip and he wasn’t give another chance to climb due to miscommunication and stupidness of the judges. AKo naman nag off-route, hay, time pa naman yung ranking so in the middle of the pack so far but still hoping for the best tom…There are so many who top-out the routes, weird and everything is ranked by time….The comp is ok but standards are not so good. We have better setting and judging there in the Philippines.

Ina to Miel:

Hey you,

Well, I’m sure you know that all your experiences is something to learn
from, and I guess in a way it makes us feel better about our local
climbing scene, right? For instance, while we don’t get to have the
same government support as Malaysia does, at least we can say that we
try to follow international standards when it comes to competition
climbing. Alam mo ‘yon, in the end, each country/fedetaion still has
its own "sablay", otherwise we should all be as strong as the Japanese
or Koreans!

Can’t wait to hear your kwento about the actual route, right now I
can’t imagine you getting off-route especially since you get discuss
the route with Aldwin naman. So pareho kayong na-off route? And about
basing everying on time, it really is quite weird, and we don’t have to
agree to that kind of format, but I suppose it’s one of those things we
just have to accept and adjust to if we want to do good in a certain
comp. Like sa X Games, diba. Hindi naman tayo sanay na may bearing
yung time (nor do the climbers agree that time is a good basis of
climbing strength/skill) but if you really wanna get the lead, you have
to run for the wall when your time starts! Of course it’s all in the
perspective too. For example, I’m imagining if I was there, if I really
wanted to top out the route, I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about the
speed of my climb and focus on my movement instead (no matter how slow)
because I know, in reality, that time doesn’t factor in when you climb
outdoors or 5.14s or whatever grade. But if I wanted to win the comp
talaga, tsaka ko na lang iisipin na kailangan ko bilisan yung climb. Of
course, we all want to win and perform well relative to others (!) so
it’s all a matter of balancing out your speed and quality of movement.
I guess it comes down pa rin to how well one reads the route, because
if you read it really well, you’d be able to tell kung saan ang crux
and saan yung easy parts, and if you read it really well, you’d be able
to climb through the moderate parts efficiently (thus, quickly) and be
the one to top it out the fastest.

Whoa, haba ba? Tingin ko hindi mo na nga mababasa ‘to until after the
comp! But I hope my thoughts somehow reach you, otherwise I’m pretty
sure you’ll have realized them by yourself I know naman that you
know these things.

Have faith and confidence, my love. I’ll see you real soon ok.

 When was the last time you did something for the first time?

My mother offered me this question two days ago while we were chatting over breakfast. She told me she had a hard time answering when that question was posed to her by a friend. As you get older, there is a greater feeling of hesitation and fear in trying out new and different things, she points out.

Syempre napaisip ako at sinabi ko na marami akong bagong napupuntahan.

"Hindi counted ‘yon, marami din akong bagong napupuntahan eh," she said. "Siguro ako, nung nag-wall climbing ako. ‘Yun na yata yung last." And that was about a year ago, she tells me.

I thought for a second and, almost too quickly, said that I’m sure there are still a lot of "firsts" for me, accompanying my statement with a confident grin. I held that grin tight as I thought hard, and even harder, suddenly realizing that I was having a difficult time thinking of what was my last "first".

It’s a scary thought. I’m 21 years old, my mother’s 56. My life’s firsts shouldn’t come as seldom as it does in her age.

Thankfully, I enrolled in a Pilates program last week and this morning had my first Pilates class at the College of Human Kinetics. And that was my "first" for today.

What about you?

Game 7 of the NBA Finals happened today, and there I was, waking up from my sleep in the middle of the 2nd quarter. I didn’t bother watching the past 6 games because I was plain disinterested but took the effort to watch this last one. I had no attachment to either team, wasn’t rooting for either one. All I know was that Miel  and his brother made a bet on who’s going to win, with Miel rooting for Pistons and Luis for Spurs.

Whaddya know, at the end of the game with Spurs winning by 7 points, I ended up crying as the confetti and balloons fell and the fireworks lit. Seeing the joy in the players’ faces, witnessing the mix of relief, exhilaration, and pride in their eyes just brought tears to my own eyes (and sent snot dripping out of my nose, too). All the training and season’s hard, hard work paying off…It’s just a feeling one cannot describe and replicate.

Hay. Ang saya-saya.

Sa wakas! Natapos din ako sa pagset-up at pag-design at pag-configure ng blog na ‘to, a feat indeed for this asipiring bum surfing through a 56k dial-up modem. I killed time in a way that I haven’t done before (matagal na nakaupo sa harap na laptop, naghihintay sa minu-minutong pag-process/save ng changes; nakikipag-chat kay Myra, Arts at Ate ko habang naghihintay…) and the afternoon suddenly seems worthwhile.

My being a bum…That’s one thing I keep telling everyone, one thing I keep telling Miel: "I want to be a bum!" After four years of college when I kept balancing my time and squeezing in responsibilities, I yearn for the days when I was bored out of my mind. Naaalala ko pa noon, nakatambay ako sa kwarto ng Ate ko (kasi nandon yung PC). Sawa na mag-IRC, sawa na mag-surf, sawa ng makinig ng radyo, walang mabasang libro, walang mapanood sa TV, gising, nakahigang dilat sa kama, hindi makatulog, walang magawa, naghihintay ng gabi para may mapanood na ulit sa primetime TV.

Man, that was the life! At hindi ko na naranasan muli ‘yun simula ng mag-climb ako nung 3rd year high school.

My whole 4th year college, I’ve been looking forward to living a bum life, yet at the same time, I’ve been looking forward to do the gazillion things I’ve been wanting to do. Because I was so immersed in my climbing and academics, I never had enough time left to engage in my other interests like pilates, reading, experimenting cooking, languages, learning how to teach climbing, to name a few.

Herein lies my dilemma (due to my inconsistent wants in life): How do I become a bum if there are so many things I want to do? Before I start to try answering that question, what I need to find out first is, What is a bum, anyway?

My handy dictionary tells me that in Northern America, bum is a noun and a colloquial term for:
1 a person who lives by begging;
2 a person who is lazy and shows no sense of responsibility.

A person can also "bum around" which will then mean that he/she is:
3 a person who travels around or spends time doing nothing in particular.

Tama naman pala ang perceived meaning ko ng "bum". Sa dami ng mga ginawa ko nung college, ‘yun nga yung gusto kong maging: To senselessly hangout in my house or anywhere, doing nothing in particular.

Now back to my question: How do you become a bum if there are so many things you want to do? Translated, how do I become somone who "is lazy and does nothing in particular" if there are so many things I want to do?

Answer: Sadly, it’s an impossible thing to accomplish. As much as I’ve managed to pull off a lot of things, this is one thing I cannot achieve. I just can’t be a bum while being driven to do other things in life!

…

Putting things into perspective, why would I want to be a bum anyway? Maybe what I want is not really to become a bum–direction-less, un-earning, undriven. Maybe I just want the temporary feeling of being a bum, the thought of it, the taste of the bum life, just to balance it out with the overwhelming feeling of being crazily hectic for 6 years straight.

Come to think of it, maybe the fact that I want to be a bum negates all possibility of becoming a bum, because what bum plans to be a bum?!

Definitions and analysis aside, maybe I should just stop obssessing about this bum thing. I’ve spent 4 hours in front of my laptop this afternoon, working on my blog, chatting, surfing. Yet as "bumming around-ish" as my afternoon sounds, to me, it’s all worthwhile and productive ‘cos these are things I’ve never done in a long time! <Sigh>

Conclusion: I’m a hopeless bum.